Pressure of Control

Billy's Attempt at Letting Go

I want to be a good writer, a creative, and successful. I want to be able to articulate myself correctly, I want to be educated, loved, and most of all I want to be kind.

I’m a very stubborn person, I’ve always been goal oriented, and have known what I wanted. I also know how talented I am, I can do anything I put my mind to and I’ve proven that to myself time and time again. I’ve focused so much on how things should end up, and when it doesn’t I need to understand why.

I always fight outcomes that don’t fit the idea of where I want to be, almost like I’m constantly in denial.

I was rudely taught that it was never up to me, nothing was ever in my control though I was tricked to believe it. I was forced to learn to let go. as repetitive as it may sound I had to teach myself its okay to not understand something or why it happened. it’s okay to not know what’s next for you.

I originally started writing this two weeks earlier than where I currently am at now. I write to try and implement things into my way of living, and I feel like when I don’t I get an example as to why I need to do so. Without revealing too much, I recently learned I’m not where I need to be in a certain aspect of my life. I spent a couple of days almost mourning, cause I wasn’t where I thought I needed to be at. It almost felt as if everything I’ve done up to this point hasn’t mattered. I then opened my substack as a creative outlet, just to try and figure out how to make myself feel better and found this draft waiting for me.

A reminder that what I’ve been trying to preach I need to apply first. I’m not where I thought I was supposed to be at, but that doesn’t mean that everything that led up to this point should be discredited. It also doesn’t mean this is the end all be all, I will end up where I need to be regardless of if I’m behind in the plan I’ve created for myself or not.

I’m not supposed to know these things and I need to live with the idea of not understanding everything, without actively ignoring it. I’m not in control of my life, and once I fully learn to be okay with that everything I’m supposed to be will become. Learning to live with the difficulty and in the unknown is an important part of growth.

Moving forward, if things don’t go by plan there’s a bigger blessing waiting for you elsewhere. If there’s a setback in the road look at it as a protection, maybe you wouldn’t be able to handle what you thought you could. That setback can be overcome in the future, not everything has to be done in an orderly fashion you’re allowed to live and make mistakes.

I am a great writer and a creative, I will be successful, just as I will be not everything I hoped to be but everything I’m supposed to become.

Song of the writing: Wilco - Impossible Germany